Names aren’t meant to be literally translated – and there’s a good reason for that.
Daily Star Sport would like to apologise in advance for pulling back the curtain a bit too much, and players who have developed an aura over the years are about to have them shattered. Do you think Francesco Totti would have the same amount of hype on these shores with the name Francis?
Fortunately for Totti, his surname doesn’t really translate – but some do, and it’s hard to look at them the same way. You see, adding ‘inho’ to the end of your name makes your a better footballer – we don’t make the rules. However, turning a foreign or funny sounding name into something anglophone, well let’s just say you won’t like the results – unless you’re a rival fan.
So without any further ado, let’s delve into this weird alternative universe filled with Joseph Piggybank and John Square.
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Pep Guardiola – Joseph Piggybank
It’s fair to say, in recent seasons, Manchester City have handed Pep Guardiola quite the sizable piggybank to play with in the transfer market. But can you imagine City winning the treble with Piggybank at the wheel? No? Neither can we.
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Juan Cuadrado – John Square
Chelsea would have never signed John Square. Never. No matter how good you are – that name belongs in League Two as a no nonsense hard-tackling midfielder… put your Crewe shirt back on John!
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Kevin De Bruyne – Kevin the Brown
You all remember Kevin the Brown right? You know, from the final season of Game of Thrones. In all seriousness, the name is quite ironic as De Bruyne can do everything but tan.
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Lucas Ocampos – Luke Fields
You don’t get many more Spanish sounding names than Lucas Ocampos – but in an alternative universe he’s an American country singer: Luke Fields.
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Jordi Alba – George Sunrise
We don’t have much to say about George Sunrise apart from the fact it’s quite a nice name. George Sunrise sounds like the love interest in a coming of age movie.
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Frank de Boer – Frank the Farmer
Here we go, roll out the farmer jokes thanks to his ill-fated spell as Crystal Palace boss. However, De Boer was once one of Europe’s top footballers, the defender was far from a farmer at Ajax.
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Antonio Di Natale – Anthony from Christmas
Anthony from Christmas like the superhero who descended from the North Pole (presumedly after a spell with FC Santa Claus, yes that’s a real club). His main power is narrowly avoiding European qualification with Udinese.
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Pepe Reina – Joe Queen
Liverpool’s own Dancing Queen, Joe. To be honest, Joe Queen between the sticks is completely believable – unlike the fact Pepe translates to Joe.
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Bastian Schweinsteiger – Bastian Pig Climber
Bastian Pig Climber just doesn’t make any sense, and that’s the beauty of the name. How, and why, did Mr Schweinsteiger’s ancestors settle on that surname – I guess we’ll never know.
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Ganso – Goose
It’s a little known fact about Ganso, but when he failed to live up to his lofty expectations as a youngster at Sao Paulo, he gave up football and went onto star in Top Gun – that may or may not be true.
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Alexandre Pato – Alex Duck
If you can suspend your disbelief for a second, there’s was a period in the early 2010s when Brazil could have fielded an attacking pair of Duck and Goose – and that sounds a delightful English pub.
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Vicente del Bosque – Vincent of the Forest
Stig of the Dump, met Vincent of the Forest. Vicente del Bosque might have been thinking of a return to the forest after his disastrous Euro 2012 campaign saw Spain dumped out on the group stages.
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